Personally, I really enjoyed reading this book and
completing this portion of my reflection. I thought all of the advice offered
in sections were tremendously beneficial and could be applied to everyone’s
personal and professional life. The problems of getting someone to like you,
making more friends, and being a better leader are issues almost everyone, no
matter their age, job, gender, or background, can relate to, which is one of
the primary reasons why I believe this self help book has been and remained so
successful and famous.
I felt myself gravitating toward Chapter 2 and being
enraptured by the “Six Ways to Make People Like You.” I have always wanted to
make more friends and have people consider me a trusted friend. In order for
them to do so, they would obviously have to like me first.
The six ways to make people like you include:
11.) Become
genuinely interested in other people.
22.) Smile.
33.) Remember
that person’s name and say it to them often.
44.) Be
a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
55.) Talk
in terms of the other person’s interests.
66.) Make
the other person feel important and do it sincerely.
The analogy of comparing the genuine interest a dog has for
its human being to the interest you should have in your potential friends was
extremely effective because it suddenly makes so much sense to me now: why dogs
are “man’s best friend.” At the end of the day, people are not interested in
you or others, they are interested in themselves. A famous example is President
Roosevelt’s popularity – the reason why so many people loved him was because he
genuinely thought of other people when it came to the little things and treated
everyone like a friend regardless of their position. An action I can take to
implement the technique of developing a real interest in other’s lives is to do
small things such as take note of their birthday, like this chapter suggests.
Luckily it is much easier these days because Facebook will give you a
notification. Instead of ignoring it, I will make the small effort to post a
thoughtful birthday wish on their Facebook wall, or if I know them better, to
personally text them to tell them happy birthday. I realized it actually means
a lot to me when people tell me happy birthday on my birthday, so I think
others will appreciate it as well. Another way to become more interested in
others is to actually ask about their day and listen to their response, not
just ask them to make small talk. People definitely gravitate towards others
who they feel genuinely care about their wellbeing, so I will take a greater
interest in their activities, hobbies, and passions in the future.
The second point is to smile. It’s interesting because I
have actually read studies that say if you’re feeling down, you actually feel
better by physically smiling, even if you don’t want to. In his book, Dale
Carnegie reveals that people who smile tend to manage, teach, and sell more
effectively, as well as raise happier children. Something amazing is that even
when telemarketers sell products over the phone, if they smile, it comes out in
their voice and they end up selling more. The best thing about smiling is that
it is most often reciprocated: if you treat others with a genuine smile and a
great attitude, it is highly likely they will like you more and treat you back
the same way. An incredibly crucial point Carnegie makes that I wholeheartedly
believe is that happiness is an inner condition, and it’s not what you have or
don’t have that make you happy, it is how you think about it. Two people can be
in the exact same situation and yet one may be extremely unhappy while the
other jumps for joy. Why is this? It’s an attitude discrepancy. To cultivate a
more cheerful attitude I have decided that I will build up a mental vault of
funny or happy memories in my mind: all those times I loved, had a great
experience, and long to relive again. Then when I’m alone and find myself
lamenting about something, I will recall one of these memories and smile. Or
I’ll go online to watch a funny video or laugh. Just the physical action of
laughing instantly makes me feel happier.
By training my mental happiness when I’m alone, I can do the same to
uplift my spirits before a day of classes and interacting with many people, so
my inner smile shines through.
Remembering a person’s name and using it often when you
speak to them is also a subtle but key method to gain their affection. I
actually knew this point before and would try to insert someone’s name into
conversation with them whenever possible without it being weird. Andrew
Carnegie was especially adept at remembering peoples names and prided himself
on being able to call all his friends and business associates by their first
names. Most people make the excuse that they have a bad memory or are “bad at
names”, and simply do not make the effort or take the energy to repeat
someone’s name in their mind until they remember it. I can also be somewhat
guilty of this fact, and even before I read this section of the book, I had
always wanted to become better at remembering someone’s name, because I know
how good I feel when someone I don’t expect to remember my name does so; it
makes me feel special and like I matter to them. My plan to have greater memory
retention, similar to Napoleon the Third, Emperor of France’s plan of writing
down names on a piece of paper and then tearing them up after memorization, is
to, as soon as I can after meeting someone new for the first time whose name I
don’t think I’ll remember, is to write down their name (preferably first and
last, if I can find out the last name) in the Notes section on my phone. Then
I’ll go on Facebook and see if I can find them because for me, a written name
and a photo that goes with it makes it much easier for me to remember someone’s
name than a purely written name. Facebook helps me to put a face to a name so
next time I see that person, even if they have a pretty generic name like Mary
or Matt, I am able to uniquely identify them because I have that mental image
of what they look like. I think this is a nifty trick that conveniently helps
you remember. Also, I can do the same thing Ken, an employee towards the end of
the chapter, did: look at lunch ladies’ nametags in the diner and say “Hello”
or “Thank you” and include their name. I think this small beginning step is an
easy way to train myself and help myself get started. After all, we are all so
similar and the name is the one thing that sets the individual apart and makes
them different from everyone else. Why wouldn’t you want to feel special?
Be a good listener. At the beginning of the chapter,
Carnegie tells the story of a woman who was content to talk about her
experiences in Africa with a little prompting for 45 straight minutes. She
wasn’t interested in Carnegie’s experience, she just wanted someone to listen
to her story and what she had to relate. This is pretty much true of almost
everyone I know, and I can admit I am guilty of it sometimes as well despite my
best intentions to listen to the other person. Carnegie had also been called a
good conversationalist when in reality he had merely taken the time to listen
to someone’s interests and make comments about it. A patient and sympathetic
listener will soften even the harshest critic. For example, a vicious and
extremely angry customer of the New York telephone company quickly became
mollified when he received all the attention he was seeking from a telephone
representative who simply sat there and listened to the customer rant about his
list of grievances. The takeaway message from this chapter was that if you want
to be a good conversationalist and get people to want to talk to you, be a good
listener. In order to be a better listener, I will use the technique of active
listening. Often my friends will come to me with their problems and ask me for
advice. In the future, when they confide in me, I will listen with an open mind
(without comparing their problems with mine or trying to “compete” with them to
see who has the most problems) and sympathize. Often I realize people don’t
want immediate answers, the just need to let out their feelings to someone who
will sit there, pay attention, and remember their issues. Additionally, I will
try to refrain from interrupting or interrogating them during our conversations
because I feel like both those actions can put up a wall between you and the
other person; instead I will patiently listen to all they have to say before I
respond, and I will gently ask questions at the end. A mistake that sometimes I
can make is that I will try to reassure my friend or colleague to not worry so
much about their problems because it’s not the biggest deal or “it’s not the
end of the world.” I think this is a huge error on my part because I’m
basically just minimizing the person’s problems and making them feel bad for
feeling so strongly about it. I would hate someone to tell me “you’re making a
big deal out of nothing,” so in the future I will treat everyone’s problems
through their viewpoint and put myself in their shoes so I can understand where
they’re coming from. It is also critical to follow up with your conversations,
so that your interactions with someone don’t just stop at the end of your talk.
A simple email, text or Facebook message asking them about their situation and
progress will help me remain connected to them and show them that I am a
reliable, loyal, and confidential friend and resource.
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. An extremely value in business is to start off by talking
about what the other person is interested in before you immediately jump to the
business you are there for. It is a highly effective way to warm them up, as a
man who was active in Boy Scout work who wanted a president of a corporation to
fund a boy’s trip. By doing a little background research on him, the man found
out that the president had a check for a million dollars framed in his office,
and asked to see it. He knew that the president would probably be interested in
showing him, and sure enough, it warmed up the president so much that he agreed
to send five boy scouts and the man himself to Europe for seven weeks! That is
just one example of many the chapter gives to illustrate how much further you
can take your goals or business propositions if you begin by speaking about
someone else’s interests. Obviously we are all self centered and would like to
talk about what we like, so to indulge in someone’s desire to do so would only
paint yourself in a positive light in the other person’s eyes. To implement
this concept, next time I talk with someone I would like to get to know better
or even a close friend, I will start out the conversation with the phrase “What
did you do this weekend? Or what did you do today?” This is a surefire way to
get people to talk about what interests them or what they like to do in their
free time. If they say something like “Oh I had a lot of homework to complete,
unfortunately,” I’ll ask a broader question such as “What did you do this
summer?” or “What are your plans for next summer? Are you excited about them?”
These inquisitive questions will help the other person open up to me and
excitedly talk about their future plans or what they are passionate about. I
know because I have tried this and people almost always immediately begin
describing a lined up internship in a company they are excited to work for,
their excitement over traveling abroad to explore an unknown country, or even
reuniting with their friends from home.
Make the other person feel important in a sincere way. Carnegie begins this chapter by telling an anecdote of how
he wanted to make a clerk working at a post office feel good and important
about himself, so he complimented his hair. Immediately the clerk lit up and
they began a lively conversation. After telling this story in public, however,
one person asked Carnegie, what did you want out of him? Carnegie did not want
anything out of that clerk, he simply wanted to get the feeling that he had
done something for someone without that person being able to do anything
whatsoever in return for him. It is a priceless feeling of doing a selfless
good deed, and a definite way to multiply your friendships: by making others
feel important about themselves. It is a universally human aspect to want to
feel special and important to someone else, and to feel that someone cares
about you. A fairly effortless and easy way to accomplish this is by doing
little good deeds for someone, or paying him or her a small compliment. Often
we may compliment someone in our heads, but don’t always tell them. Why not? I
know I have thought things but never told that person. However, the other day
someone gave me a compliment and it made me feel so good about myself that I
wrote it down and I actually now keep a compliment notebook, a collection of
all the meaningful nice things people have said about me. If that one
compliment brightened my day so much, I would think it would have a similar
effect on other peoples’ lives. Therefore, from now on, when I notice something
about someone that I like, I will tell them. Of course I will only give genuine
compliments because those are the only ones that mean something and it is clear
to see when someone is insincerely complimenting you because they want
something from you later. Compliments are a great way to make people feel good
about themselves and feel important. Another effective way, in my opinion, is
to ask people for advice. I think this because of personal experience, because
whenever someone asks me for my advice, I feel like my opinion is needed,
respected, and important. It also unconsciously makes me warm up to the person
because I know they value my input. Going to others for help and confiding in
them with my problems will in turn make them feel that their opinion and what
they have to offer is significant.
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